Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

are much more romantic than that bag of popcorn that was cremated down the hall. I don't know who you are, I suspect some temp filling in during registration. Congratulations, we now have an excuse on which to blame low enrollment. How in the hell (speaking of ungodly burning smells), did you manage to create such havoc with a microwave bag of popcorn? That is some serious talent, I can see why you are trying to join the workforce, you apparently lack the skills to be a homemaker. Your next career move should be in law enforcement and I will personally vouch for your ability to swiftly evacuate large buildings. McGyver himself could not concoct a tear gas that potent with a simple microwave oven and bag of popcorn.
The entire staff here at this fine institution of higher education congratulates you.
Merry Christmas.

ps I hope you don't plan to string cranberries and popcorn for your christmas tree or I will have to alert the state of Maine.

On The First Day of Christmas...

On the one hand, we have economists giving us gloom-and-doom reports because Christmas spending is down. And on the other hand, we get these amusing 'medical alerts' about shopping addictions. Shopping Addiction: A Serious Problem (12/9/06)

There's an 'addiction' for everything now days, and personally I'm finding this politically correct trend very disturbing. Of course all of these so-called addictions bear the same symptoms; low self-esteem, adrenaline rush, guilt... they even talk about levels of dopamine and seratonin to make this crap sound like a legitimate scientific medical condition. (Web MD article)

"People just can't help themselves..." as if to suggest this is genetic or some kind of mental disorder. Give me a fucking break! it's called self-discipline. I'm pretty sure the guy out there having sex with road-kill displays the same kind of symptoms. People can help themselves. exercise a little self-control people. Stop looking for excuses to shirk your responsibility, or I will be forced to visit your house and set your cat on fire... it's this addiction i have ...

'Tis The Season...to screw the gullible.

If you have noticed a recent surge in email spam, you're not mistaken. A recent news article Spam is back with a vengeance as filters lose effectiveness reported that:

"...unwanted messages now account for 91 percent of all e-mail, and over the past 12 months the daily volume of spam rose by 120 percent"

I've often asked myself, "Why do they do it? Do people really make money of this spam crap?". Sadly the answer is yes. Here are 3 recent stories:
Fraud Alert Friday: Social Security email scam (12/8/06)
Holiday Email Scams (12/8/06)
Manawatu mum, son lose $200k to Nigerian scam (12/7/06)

people are still falling for the Nigerian scam?!

I think it's time for some new laws. We have gun control, we have seatbelt laws (you don't even want to get me started on this issue), it might just be time to require people to get 'computer safety certified' before they're allowed to have a computer. Consider this, not only would it protect idiots from screwing themselves over, but it could also reduce the number of sickos/pedophiles/assorted stalkers from trolling the net. If we made people understand that the Prince of Nigeria is not really that generous, that your dick can not grow 2" by wearing a magic patch, and that Microsoft does not pay you money for every email you send, then maybe, just maybe, we could make make spamming an unprofitable venture.

Sensitivity Training 101

here's a little news gem that has been tucked away in the back pages for the last week.
Iran To Discuss Evidence Of Holocaust

President Ahmadinejad, again showing what an open-minded individual he is, has called for a conference of 'leading experts' to discuss the evidence of whether or not the Holocaust really happened. And in case you doubted his sincerity he added this jewel of a quote.

The proof of Iran's lack of animosity toward Jews, he said, was Iran's 25,000-strong Jewish community.

Right... I think Hitler had a number of those Jewish communities as well.

Not one to be outdone, look for Kim Jong Il to host a panel to discuss evidence of whether we really put men on the moon.

it's all about me(me)...

I normally hate Meme's. I'm even embarrassed to use the word "meme", as it suggests that I know what the hell it means. I just know that this is a meme.

Your Taste in Music:

Classic Rock: High Influence Progressive Rock: High Influence 80's R&B: Low Influence 90's Pop: Low Influence R&B: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Deja Vu all over again

Somalis rally against U.S. peacekeeping plan

There is so much insanity going on in the world right now, it's rather difficult to isolate just one item to rant about. But this item jumped at me because it has garnered such little attention.
A brief synopsis of our current position in world politics:
1.) We currently have several hundred thousand troops in the middle of the fucking Arab desert called Iraq, getting killed while trying to prevent these fucktards from killing each other.
2.) We have a madman in the neighboring country openly developing nuclear weapons so he can wage war on America and Israel - we're doing nothing.
3.) We have another madman in North Korea doing basically the same thing - we're doing nothing.
4.) Cuba is about to go down the shitter as Castro is in his last days - we're doing nothing.
5.) South America is swiftly turning communist, embracing fundamentalist islamic terrorists, and is openly hostile to America - we're doing nothing.
6.) Lebanon is on the verge of civil war as the Hezbollah is preparing to stage a coup with the backing of Syria - we're doing nothing.

by all fucking means, lets go back to Somalia. After all that went so smoothly last time we were there. < /end sarcasm>

I have an eye appointment today. My "annual" eye appointment that I get around to making every 2½ years or so. I hate my eye exams...worse than my 6 month dental checkups where I get to be told how I need to floss more. I want to say, "Look bitch, I'm 44 years old, we both know that changing my dental hygiene habits at this point in time is simply not going to happen, so just save the smarm for your next patient".
My eye exams go like that too. My eyes are pretty f'd up. I wear contacts and I have always pretty much gotten by despite years of sleeping in my disposables. About the time my doc told me i needed to quit was about 6 or 7 years ago, at which point I promptly f'd myself royally in the following manner:
As many of you know, the p0nks are a procreative bunch, and shortly after the birth of p0nk #5, i was tasked with the mission of reviving one of the most important inventions known to parents - the baby swing.
The baby swing is a great invention because it is the only legal way to render a baby unconcious by sloshing his little brain back and forth until he slips into a G-force induced coma. And it is relatively effortless, set the baby in said swing, wind up the heavy duty spring just to the point where you think one more click will cause said swing to explode with the force of a quark explosion and send everyone into orbit. Just give the swing a tap and enjoy 20 minutes of peaceful bliss.
We had loaned this goldmine invention to some friends of lesser fortune, and I soon discovered that they had managed to break something within the magic box otherwise known as the spring mechanism.
Now, I consider myself smarter than the average baby-producer, I had college physics and calculus for xrist' sake, I understand the principles behind a 300 megaton spring. I wasn't going to let something like a simple sticker on this magic box intimidate me into dishing out another small fortune for one of these things.
So throwing all caution to the wind I did in fact attempt to disassemble said unit.
And, I even succeeded... several times in fact. Carefully releasing the last ounce of spring tension before tearing the unit apart, attempting to realign the gear-lock mechanism, re-assemble, windup, test....repeat.
It was halfway through the 3rd disassembly that I suddenly remembered, "Oh shit, i forgot to release the tension. I'm now holding this ticking time bomb in my hands, trying to decide if i should try to put the screws back in it or just heave the thing as far as i can.
Then it happened. Holy Mary Mother of God, I didn't even have time to blink. Son of a bitch blew up in my face so fast i never saw a thing. All I knew was that my left eye suddenly felt somebody had just shot a searing hot poker out of a cannon and straight into my eye. After realizing that I was probably going to live, I felt around my face to get an idea of how disfigured i might look so as I didn't shock anybody that might be responding to my screams.
When I could finally pull my hands away from my face, I tried to open my eye and saw nothing - pitch black. Yes friends, it was time for another visit to the emergency room of our small town hospital where they have an entire wing dedicated to p0nk family medical records.
I'll try to shorten this story up... After a couple months of convalesence, i was able to return and get a new prescription. At first, we all got a good laugh because the blunt force trauma to my eye had flattened the cornea to the point that I was now seeing nearly 20-20. Radial-Keratonomy hillbilly style. Unfortunately, it was not a lasting result, and my eye has now digressed to the point that the internal scar tissue nearly has me blind in that eye. So now every eye exam I get to hear lectures about how to take care of my eyes.
"Thank you Dr French for reminding me what an idiot I am. See you again in 2 years."

Have a good weekend everybody.