Clerics on a Plane

No it's not a sequel, the Boston Globe has reported this gem Muslim clerics urge US Airways boycott
Group says bias caused removal from jetliner.
bias? ok i admit, i don't want to fly with people who intentionally act like terrorists. call that bias if you want, but i learned years ago that there are things you don't do in an airport. You don't joke about bombs, and you don't act like a terrorist. That's just common sense people, i don't care what your skin color is or what your religion is. The constitution grants freedom of speech and freedom of religion, but you don't yell "Fire" in a crowded movie house, and you don't act like a terrorist in a plane. Yeh, i'm biased against assclowns, sue me.

p0nk - tastes like chicken...

...at least according to our hero, Angry Ferret Jones. Little does he know how right he is.
One of the more enlightening things about family get-togethers, like Thanksgiving, is that after the first 10 minutes of dissing each others sports teams, music taste, and politics, we fall into discussing family.
My parents now live in Grass Valley, CA, not too far from the infamous Donner Pass. There has always been some vague oral tradition that we had some family involvement in the historical debacle. Recently, my parents visited the museum commemorating the historical event and the pieces finally fell into place.
What a lot of people don't know about infamous Donner event is that there was another group traveling with them from Missouri to Salt Lake City. The Cyrus family parted ways with them in Salt Lake, leaving several days earlier. As the early storm approached, Pleasant Cyrus, 21yo son of Enoch Cyrus went back to warn the Donner group and push them to speed up. Traveling alone, he was able to catch back up to his family who all arrived safely in the Napa valley. When the storm hit full force and the Donner group was clearly in trouble, the Cyrus men were part of the search party to go out looking for them.
And you probably know most of the story as how to how things went for them.
In the aftermath, John Cyrus, younger brother to Pleasant married one of the survivors, Lavina Graves, and a picture of the two of them is in the museum.
Enoch Cyrus was my great great great great grandfather via one of his other sons, William, making John Cyrus my great great great uncle, and Lavina Graves, a Donner Party survivor, my great great great aunt by marriage.
The significance of this was all lost on the little p0nks of course, and learning that we had Cyrus heritage, I was tasked to find out if my children were related to Miley Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana), daughter of famous country-western singer, Billy Ray Cyrus. As it turns out, Enoch Cyrus' father James Cyrus was brother to Jesse Cyrus, great great great grandfather of said Billy Ray. Little P0nks, especially p0nkette, were estatic to learn that they shared great great great great great (5x great) grandfather with Hannah Montana. I am now a hero in my children's eyes.

p0nk update

survived thanksgiving with the 'old p0nks' but now I've got a nasty cold bug that is determined to take over my entire body. I'm staying home today and i'll be back in bed as soon as i finish reading everybody's posts.

Treasury Dept Just Doesn't Get It

Yes, they're at it again! In their infinite wisdom, the Treasury Dept will make yet another attempt to issue $1 coins. (U.S. mint pushes new $1 coin) The plan is to issue 4 different faces per year until each president shows up on the coin.

"We think Americans are going to want to collect the series, and that will drive the coins through the economy," said U.S. Mint Director Edmund Moy.

I'm guessing Edmund got his Phd from James Madison High University, so Edmund, I only minored in Business Administration but let me explain a few principles I learned in my business classes.
1. Collectors do not circulate coins. Collectors collect coins, that's why they are called collectors.
2. Susan B. Anthony and Sacagewea were not the 1st and 2nd attempts at a $1 coin. In my short lifetime, I witnessed both the Eisenhower dollar and the bicentenial dollar (another hot collector's item). In fact, the US Silver Dollar dates back to 1804. You could put Jenna Jamison on the coin and it will still fail.
3. Changing the shape (Susan B. Anthony) or size or color will, likewise, not improve circulation. The bottom line is: penny, nickle, dime, quarter. It is frustrating enough digging through a pocketful of change and having to distinguish between a penny and a dime. Adding more coins to the mix will only add to the confusion.
4. The unrealistic hope that a $1 coin will go like wildfire as prices in vending machines continue to rise, is only further complicated by adding yet one more variation of the $1 coin. As long as a vending machine takes a paper dollar, manufacturers are not going to bother with coin mechanisms that have to distinguish 4 different $1 coins in addition to all of the other change. If I can accomplish with 4 standard quarters what I could with a $1 coin, I'm going to use the quarters just to be safe.
5. Real men don't carry coin purses. When the Treasury Dept can figure out a clever way to put a $1 coin in my wallet, I'll think about using them.
6. Just as an aside here, what happens in 2020 when we've used up all of the Presidents?

"I don't need change baby, I need folding money" - Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Assclowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right...

I've been running an MP3 Share community on LiveJournal for over a year now. I try to do my part to pass along good music to the computer illiterate who haven't yet figured out how to get everything for free. In the 'rules' for MP3_Rock, i state:

General Rules:
1. This is ROCK. Do not post or request Hilary Duff or your favorite Disney channel stars.

Up until today, it has been pretty good. With 60 subscribed members, posts and requests have always been relevant, although not always my favorites, at least they're on-topic. I was amused this morning, however to find this request:

requests
the smurfs theme song
the smurfs theme song remixed
guys and dolls original broadway cast recording
mary poppins original london cast recording
le stat original broadway cast recording

WTF?! I simply responded to their request with, "good luck with that".

Thank God For Federally Mandated Holidays

Weekend was way too short, so I'm glad this will be a short work week.
Saturday morning I was woken/awakened? much too early by the ambulance/fire crew leaving town (small town here). I remember making a mental note at the time how seldom we hear that in a small town. About 10 minutes later I got a phone call...SHIT!
My soon-to-be 16yo (if he lives another month) spent Friday night with his buddy and their family was heading out early to get firewood. They didn't get very far. On a 2-lane stretch heading out of town, some 17yo assclown in a Nissan Frontier decided to pull a UTurn right in front of them. After slamming into the Frontier, the full-size pickup my son was in went over the embankment. Adrenaline kicks in and JesseP0nk jumps out of the pickup, scrambles up the embankment, ready to tear this kid a new one and his back gives out.
This is not a particularly new experience for JesseP0nk, twice before he has tangled with cars on his bicycle, and quite frankly, too many other hospital visits to recall them all. It's been like a yearly pilgrimage since he was 2. The hospital really should dedicate a new wing in our family's name.
Now I have to commend my son's friend, for being very responsible through the entire ordeal. He was quick to call his insurance and make sure they were on top of any hospital bills, etc. Which brings me to my next point...
Have you ever seen the Progressive commercial where they ask "If we're this helpful when you're buying car insurance, just think how helpful we'll be once you're a customer"? Without getting into the logic fallacies of that inference, I will simply share just how helpful they were. I called the number, ready to give the claim number and all of the hospital information for my son. And after 30 minutes of waiting on hold, I finally gave up. And by "waiting on hold", I mean 5 minutes of holding the phone to my ear, and then 25 minutes with the phone on speaker-phone so the entire house could ring with the merry holiday tunes of elevator music and a voice saying, "Your call is very important to us, please hold until our next available service representative can take your call", cycling through every 30 seconds.

Ah the joys of having teenage sons. It's going to be a long thanksgiving break listening to a 16yo boy rant about assclown drivers, watching cheesey Christmas movies on TV, and trying to avoid getting caught up in discussions with my conspiracy theorist brother.

Death to Extremists

It was the Fall of 1980 when I saw this slogan graffiti'd on a walkway at Humboldt State University where I was a new freshman. Being truly on my own for the first time, and finally exposed to some new thought, I laughed pretty hard at the irony.
Sadly, there are so many people today lost in the rhetoric of Secular Progressivism (thanks to DMarie for the heads up on this new label), that they can't see how irrational some of their ideas are.
Elton John recently came up with a winner recently when he was quoted "I would ban religion completely...Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."(story here)
Yes, Sir Elton, let's ban religion for not being more tolerant.
I'd really like to know what religion turned Sir Elton the John into a 'hateful lemming' when he told photographers at the Cannes Film Festival back in May "You should all be shot."
Damn all you hateful people!

OJ Still Innocent

Apparently strapped for cash and still trying to convince himself that he really didn't do it, OJ hits up Fox news for an interview to promote his new book, If I Did It.
O.J. Simpson to promote "If I Did It" on Fox

Hell, I'm convinced already.

pussyfooting (cont...)

"This will be known as the year macho politics failed — mainly because it was macho politics by marshmallow men."

That kind of feisty rhetoric from the Queen of Spin, puts her on par with her hero, Hillary "The Rod" Clinton, whom she claims has bigger balls than the men in politics, and Maureen Dowd, the author of Bushworld and Are Men Necessary? (why do these titles seem redundant?) should know.
Maureen, I have a suggestion. If you liberals would stop emasculating your own men, maybe they would have the balls to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. The answer to your party is not to promote the conniving crook who can slay straw men with her deft double-speak, but to get behind somebody honest, somebody not steeped in political agenda bullshit, somebody quite unlike yourself.. America would love to see it.

pussyfooting

Iran questioned on fuel traces found at waste plant

Does anybody with an IQ over 50 honestly believe that Iran is not working towards nuclear weapons? And if I remember correctly, W (pronounced dub-ya) had given Iran until the 1st week of August (yes, that's last August) to cease and desist any further development or face serious consequences. Iran was able to beg off until August 29.
So here we are, mid-November...apparently that threat was meaningless. I am so absofuckinglutely sick of all the crap going on in the mid-east. I say, give Israel the green light and the rest of us can sit back in relative security (certainly more than we've had since making Israel our poster child for democracy in the East). Let these people bomb each other back to the stone-age, just get the whole show over with.
Oh and while we're at it, Israel, North Korea hates Jews.

Is It Really Going To Happen?

I suspect they have left out the part where he devours her flesh before fleeing the planet on the mothership, but this is supposedly an excerpt from

The Double Ring Wedding Ceremony
from The Background, Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion (pages 88-99)


Friends:
We are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses for the purpose of legally joining in marriage this man and this woman, (names of bride and groom).

If there be any among you who know of any reason why this should not be done, let them now speak, or forever remain silent.

(Pause)

All being in accord, we shall proceed.

(Groom's name), is your reality of the love you have for (bride's name) such as you will be constantly creating through health and sickness; through adversity as well as good fortune?

Can you confront and grant forgiveness for shortcomings as readily as you give praise for all her many admirable qualities?

(Answer)

And have you communicated your love to (bride's name)?

(Answer)

(Bride's name), have you acknowledged (groom's) love?

(Answer)

(Bride's name), is your reality of the love you have for (groom's name) such as you will be constantly creating through health and sickness; through adversity as well as good fortune?

Can you confront and grant forgiveness for shortcomings as readily as you give praise for all his many sterling qualities?

(Answer)

And have you communicated your love to (groom's name)?

(Answer)

(Groom's name), have you acknowledged (bride's) love?

(Answer)

Then may I say to you both that through your love together with your agreement upon its reality, and by your communication of these two beautiful truths, you have completed the ARC triangle, and thereby consummated the only true marriage, which is beyond the power of any individual or group of individuals to add to or detract from
in the slightest manner.

However, the law and custom of our society requires that this union shall be made a matter of public acclaim and record. It is my honor to have been selected by you to perform the ceremony.

The acceptance of an honor carries with it an obligation of comparable magnitude, and I would be remiss in that responsibility if I failed to attempt a contribution, not to have you have already created, which no one can do,
but to the permanency of its continued creation on your future time track.

Man has ever employed symbols to impress upon the mind, wise and important truths, that these symbols might prove
an ever-present reminder of the necessity of ceaseless creation of our desires.

And I am certain that your one joint desire in present time is that the love you have created shall remain a reality throughout your future years.

Best man, have you a ring?
(Answer)

May I have it please?
(Receives the ring.)

Thank you.


(Holding up a ring between the thumb and forefinger of each hand:)

These rings consist of circles, and the circle has been an emblem of permanency to man since time immemorial. In fact, it represents time and space-- which are without ending. I want you to look upon these two emblems and mock up the ARC triangle in the center of each.

Have you done it?
(Answer)

Thank you.

As long as these emblems remain with you, I want you to see that triangle in their center as a reminder that the reality of their symbolism of permanency will hold true only so long as that triangle remains unbroken.

I should like to see you make a pact between you that you will never close your eyes in sleep on a broken triangle. Heal any breach with the reality of your love through communication. If you will do this, these emblems
of your greatest desire in present time will remain a reality throughout your future time track.

Let us proceed.

(Groom's name) will you take this ring and with these words, place it upon (bride's name)'s finger.

"With this symbol of my love"

(Answer)

"I take thee, (bride's name),"

(Answer)

"As my true and lawful wedded wife"

(Answer)

"I pledge thee to keep this love"

(Answer)

"Ever living, ever real."

(Answer)

(Bride's name), will you take this ring and with these words, place it upon (groom's name)'s finger.

"With this symbol of my love"

(Answer)

"I take thee, (groom's name),"

(Answer)

"As my true and lawful wedded husband"

(Answer)

"I pledge thee to keep this love"

(Answer)

"Ever living, ever real."

(Answer)

And now, in the name of the Church of Scientology and by virtue of the powers vested in me by the state, I declare you (groom's name), and you, (bride's name), to be truly and legally, husband and wife.

I will ask that you seal this ceremony with your lips.

(Wait for the kiss)

And I will ask these witnesses present to join me in blessing this ceremony with the postulate that the trust and love of the present shall become ever stronger with each passing year.

(Pause)

Did you do it?

(Answer)

Thank you.

(Be the first to congratulate them both, and the first to address the bride as Mrs.)

Top Christmas Gifts for 2006

Screw a Cheerleader, Screw the World

ah, football! America's favorite pasttime. I played football growing up on into high school. One year I knew the name and number of every player in the AFC. Relatively simple in concept, but somehow it became like WWE wrestling where score and solid play took a back seat to cheap shots, trash talking, and sophomoric celebration antics.
I watched the first part of the Bears/Giants game last night and was amused to learn of a new rule instituted into the league when a Giants halfback squirted across the endzone for a touchdown and promptly stuffed the ball up his shirt, allegedly as a tribute to his pregnant wife. The Giants were immediately slammed with a 15 yard "Unsportsmanlike Conduct - using the ball as a prop" penalty. Using the ball as a prop? wtf?!

Among the 15 new rule proposals passed yesterday by the league's 32 clubs was the banishment of ''prolonged or excessive celebrations" as well as celebrating while a player is on the ground. This is an attempt to forestall the antics of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens, and Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, all of whom have used what were called ''props" by Competition Committee co-chairman Jeff Fisher. Props, among other things, are now banned and will result in a 15-yard penalty. In addition, any dance deemed too long by game officials will result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after a warning.

I'm sorry but this is just silly. I'm going to suggest to the NFL commissioner that before any player does a celebration, they must complete 30 hours of dance lessons and acting lessons. Upon completion, the player may trademark their celebration. Extra points may be awarded by a panel of style judges.
No thanks, i'm going to stick to baseball.

To Xanga or not to Xanga

Xrist, it seems i've been on the internet forever. I remember when Mosaic web browser was the coolest thing since sliced bread and Yahoo was a single page of links to cool sites, about half of which were broken links to porn.
MailServers became a popular way for people of like interests to communicate and I even ran one of my own for a while on religion.
About 8 years ago I stumbled onto IRC as an excellent supplier for my MP3 collection (now over 23,000 songs), IRC led to "chat" and I really starting making some internet 'friends'.
In January of 2003, my IRC friends got me started blogging on LiveJournal, but there weren't that many of us and we didn't have that much in common so we all went our separate ways. I started hanging out in Yahoo game rooms and got to know a few people and we all started blogging in Yahoo 360 which is a piece of shit for a blogsite.
I had been reading 'the Fish' for about a year and enjoyed the comments of the regulars as much as the stories, so I recently started blogging here just to keep in touch with you all. I haven't experienced the problems some of you have, although there are some obvious issues.
I created a Xanga account so i can comment. Maybe I'll move my blogging efforts over there - i definitely don't like trying to maintain multiple blogsites.

Oh Baby!

CockNinja, I don't know you, but somehow this picture just screams your name.

Doogie was 'Lanced'(?)

Lehmkuhl says Harris was `lanced'

Normally if i was to hear of a celebrity being 'lanced', I have nightmarish visions of Pete Doherty standing over them with a hypodermic needle. The real question this whole story begs is... "If a d-list celeb was 'outed' in a forest, would anybody care?"
NPHLTC

This Week's Darwin Award Winner

Ky. officer shoots himself while driving

This 10 yr veteran has had extensive firearms training, do not try this at home.
I'm not even going to try to figure out why a Kentucky police officer was in Indiana when he pulled this off.

Defamatory but not Libelous

L.A. judge dismisses Britney Spears' libel suit

More celebrity home video porn tapes. Apparently Us magazine leaked the story of its existence. Brit tried to sue. The judge ruled that since Britney profits from her public expressions of sexuality this could hardly be considered defamatory.
I disagree, bumping uglies with K-Earl is defamatory no matter who you are. Anyway, read the story and see why 2 half-wits do not make one whole wit.

The Lunatic Fringe

Granted, this is funny. Granted, Cheney is a dangerous man, politically as well as personally.
But perhaps even more dangerous is the thought that left-wing rhetoric like this can influence voters. How in the hell does Cheney's hunting accident justify legalizing marijuana?
I will grant that an argument can be made that marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol. I'm not entirely opposed to legalizing marijuana - I live in Humboldt Co, California where ganja is the leading industry. Quite honestly, I don't see much difference between the two 'drugs'.
What I object to, is the illogical rhetoric used by the left-wingers to stir up emotion, to influence people to make knee-jerk decisions based on emotion rather than facts and logic. And the 'logic' behind this ad is since bad things can happen when using legal drugs, we might as well legalize other drugs as well.
Using the same argument, we should legalize hand grenades, after all they are as potentially dangerous as a shotgun. Old people can also be dangerous, especially armed with weapons and alcohol therefore I propose we allow children to have access to weapons and alcohol too.
So this election I'm voting for children to have access to automatic weapons and marijuana. Why should Cheney have all the fun?

Shocked?!... hardly

Evangelical leader quits amid male escort's allegations

Adding his name to the "Wall of Shame", Ted "Art" Haggard stepped down from his position as Sr. Pastor at his mega-church and as President of the US National Association of Evangelicals.

While according to 'the Haggard One', "I've never had a gay relationship with anybody. I'm steady with my wife. I'm faithful to my wife."

But now church officials are saying "There has been some admission of indiscretion"

Well Art, if it walks like a duck... you know the rest. If you hurry now, you can still make your tee time with Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert, and Oral "Ivory Tower" Roberts (probably not a good first name to have these days btw). And with all your clout you can probably play through that group of Catholic priests ahead of you.
I don't know how the rest of this joke is going to play out but i'm pretty sure you all end up in Hell.

Who Didn't See This Coming?

Man gets 60 days for lewd photos on cars

WAUKESHA, Wis. - A Hartford man has been ordered to serve 60 days in jail and placed on two years' probation for putting photographs of his genitalia on cars driven by women in Menomonee Falls.

I'd bet even money that this guy started out by emailing these pics to every woman on the net. Go into any internet forum and you'll likely find twisted guys that think it is perfectly normal to ask if any women would like to watch him masturbate on camera. Sometimes I ask them if they use that same line when hitting on women at the supermarket. Now I'm really hoping this guy isn't somebody that took my suggestion seriously.