I have an eye appointment today. My "annual" eye appointment that I get around to making every 2½ years or so. I hate my eye exams...worse than my 6 month dental checkups where I get to be told how I need to floss more. I want to say, "Look bitch, I'm 44 years old, we both know that changing my dental hygiene habits at this point in time is simply not going to happen, so just save the smarm for your next patient".
My eye exams go like that too. My eyes are pretty f'd up. I wear contacts and I have always pretty much gotten by despite years of sleeping in my disposables. About the time my doc told me i needed to quit was about 6 or 7 years ago, at which point I promptly f'd myself royally in the following manner:
As many of you know, the p0nks are a procreative bunch, and shortly after the birth of p0nk #5, i was tasked with the mission of reviving one of the most important inventions known to parents - the baby swing.
The baby swing is a great invention because it is the only legal way to render a baby unconcious by sloshing his little brain back and forth until he slips into a G-force induced coma. And it is relatively effortless, set the baby in said swing, wind up the heavy duty spring just to the point where you think one more click will cause said swing to explode with the force of a quark explosion and send everyone into orbit. Just give the swing a tap and enjoy 20 minutes of peaceful bliss.
We had loaned this goldmine invention to some friends of lesser fortune, and I soon discovered that they had managed to break something within the magic box otherwise known as the spring mechanism.
Now, I consider myself smarter than the average baby-producer, I had college physics and calculus for xrist' sake, I understand the principles behind a 300 megaton spring. I wasn't going to let something like a simple sticker on this magic box intimidate me into dishing out another small fortune for one of these things.
So throwing all caution to the wind I did in fact attempt to disassemble said unit.
And, I even succeeded... several times in fact. Carefully releasing the last ounce of spring tension before tearing the unit apart, attempting to realign the gear-lock mechanism, re-assemble, windup, test....repeat.
It was halfway through the 3rd disassembly that I suddenly remembered, "Oh shit, i forgot to release the tension. I'm now holding this ticking time bomb in my hands, trying to decide if i should try to put the screws back in it or just heave the thing as far as i can.
Then it happened. Holy Mary Mother of God, I didn't even have time to blink. Son of a bitch blew up in my face so fast i never saw a thing. All I knew was that my left eye suddenly felt somebody had just shot a searing hot poker out of a cannon and straight into my eye. After realizing that I was probably going to live, I felt around my face to get an idea of how disfigured i might look so as I didn't shock anybody that might be responding to my screams.
When I could finally pull my hands away from my face, I tried to open my eye and saw nothing - pitch black. Yes friends, it was time for another visit to the emergency room of our small town hospital where they have an entire wing dedicated to p0nk family medical records.
I'll try to shorten this story up... After a couple months of convalesence, i was able to return and get a new prescription. At first, we all got a good laugh because the blunt force trauma to my eye had flattened the cornea to the point that I was now seeing nearly 20-20. Radial-Keratonomy hillbilly style. Unfortunately, it was not a lasting result, and my eye has now digressed to the point that the internal scar tissue nearly has me blind in that eye. So now every eye exam I get to hear lectures about how to take care of my eyes.
"Thank you Dr French for reminding me what an idiot I am. See you again in 2 years."

Have a good weekend everybody.