Least Favorite Things in Life

I really hate going to the dentist. I mean I really hate it. And not because it's particularly painful, or that it's ever really bad news. Hell, with my insurance, it's not even expensive.
So what is the problem? I've been blessed with very good teeth. I've had one cavity in my life, and never needed braces. My wisdom teeth never came in, so i've only had one tooth pulled. But damn those dentists and hygenists piss me off with their condescending talk. I end up switching dentists every several years simply because they piss me off.
The last time I switched dentists was because of an episode where we discussed flossing. The bitch was shredding my gums and ragging like a mother about how I needed to floss more often. Right lady, i will make flossing twice a day a high priority in my life. She has me in the torture chair administering her gum-slicing wire torture when she stopped and asked me to demonstrate how I normally floss. I responded that I don't normally do it while standing on my head. Maybe my gums don't bleed so much when I do it because i'm not suspended upside down for five minutes while trying to floss...f0ckers.
I received a bill in the mail this past week because I missed my dentist appt. Excuse me, I go twice a year, and I suppose since a trip to the dentist is as much fun as Christmas I ought to remember my appt. But I didn't. And, OK, I can understand it's a pain in the ass when people don't show up for their appts. But $40! Holy Fuck, that's a lot of money for doing nothing. It's not like there was an hour when suddenly there was nothing to do in the office. They ought to be paying me for surrendering my reservation to the next poor sap that's been waiting an hour. It's not like the focker is going to get his motor home repossessed, jeeeezuz.
I think if a doctor or dentist is going to charge for missed visits then they should reimburse at the same rate for the extra time you wait in the waiting room past your appt.

The Continuing Evolution of Christmas

I recently read a (news article) about some guy that stirred the wrath of all his neighbors with his radically new christmas lawn decoration - Santa Crucified on the Cross. 69yo Jimmy Wright claimed the 'artwork' was intended to express his sentiments

'Santa represents frivolous consumption. That's all he is. He shot Jesus right out of the saddle. He's the focus of Christmas.'

Personally, I don't make the connection but I do find it a bit humorous and I can certainly relate to his frustrations with society's 'Christmas spirit'.
All that the news can talk about is how Christmas spending is an economic indicator. This 'indicator' seems to be particularly difficult to read this year with the inception of The Gift Card. Yes, my friends, Christmas is now all about the Gift Card. If I were to write a letter to Santa this year, it would say:

Dear Santa,
Thank You for the Gift Cards this year.
Sincerely,
p0nk
p.s. The nearest Home Depot is 4 hours away, you fat lazy prick.

The days following Christmas (Boxing Day for you Canuckians) used to be about returning all the useless and broken crap, and the seven Dale Earnardt Jr wall clocks. Now it's about spending those damn gift cards.
People, it's one thing if you didn't want to take the time to buy something thoughtful for me, but why in the hell are you sending me to some god-forsaken hell-hole to try to find something i could use? Thanks a fucking lot! Cash may be considered tacky, but personally I would consider it a hell of a lot more thoughtful than forcing me to go to Ross Dress For Less to buy basketball shoes for one of the little p0nks.
...and speaking of the little p0nks, it's a damn good thing that i've got a week's vacation right now because between the Christmas hunting and putting together/repairing broken kids' toys, i'm pretty much busy 24/7.
Die Santa, you promoter of frivolous consumption!

Have a great one

One week paid holiday break. That's right! And I plan to do absolutely nothing. I might put a new album up on Monday, and on the wild chance that somebody would request one, i would put that one up too.
I have to say, I realize I have not been keeping up with daily rants, but it's been tough to pick just one topic to rant about. Here's a brief sample...
President NameThatReadsLikeAnEyeChart (kudos to RichPort for the moniker) from Iran welcomed a special envoy of Hasaidic Jews from New York who seem to be quite ethnic-identity confused.
DeathMatch III between moral compass Donald Trump and useless dike Rosie O'Donnell rages on. The publicity these two egomaniacs are getting from this spat would make for a great Reality TV show, except that The Biggest Loser as a title has already been taken, and quite frankly, neither of these two pathetic losers has much of a grasp of reality.
We're winning not winning winning not winning in Iraq.
Monica Lewinsky is in the news again, having finished her Masters from the London School of Economics...
Kim Jong Il is still playing us. Japan will probably go kick their ass before we realize North Korea is not serious about disarmament.
Fidel Castro is still not dead.
btw, watch for Club Hillary to expose the deepest darkest secrets of cool cat Obama as the Democratic Primaries kick off.

Santa Outlives God

This has to be one of the most twisted ironies of the Political Correctness movement.
Story here->UK teacher tells kids truth about Santa

Teacher catches hell for telling 10yo kids that Santa isn't real? As one parent said...

"What gives the school the right to decide when children should know the truth about such a harmless matter when knowing the truth does take away that little bit of magic?"

Seems to me these same people are pretty adamant that schools teach the 'truth' about evolution. So what happens if Johnny wants to believe that Christmas is about baby Jesus? Magical Santas are OK, but Jesus is not? Smurfs, Barney, Teletubbies, cocaine, & illicit, unprotected sex is all going to be part of my magical world and no damn school is allowed to teach otherwise.
No wonder the youth of today are so f'd up.

this space intentionally left blank

that's right. i have nothing witty or obnoxious to report today. I'm tired and just trying to get through the week with as little thinking as possible. I have spent several days trying to figure out how to burn multiple episodes of 'The Office' onto a DVD in a format that the typical DVD player can play to the TV, to no avail. So today is going to be old Scorps, UFO, & MSG (20 pts to whoever can name the common denominator) turned up loud and mindless web surfing.

Person of the Year

Time Magazine's long honored annual tradition of "Person of the Year" this year bestowed the title on a 2" piece of aluminum foil. Damn, even I am not that cynical!

OK I admit, the cheesy gimmick was intended to be a mirror and they're saying that the person is everybody. But I beg to differ. Although I have yet to bring about world peace, end poverty, find a cure for aids or walk on the moon; I do try to make my little corner of the world a better place. And no doubt there are millions who do better than I, but alas would not boost sales of Time Magazine. Hollywood is a cesspool of debauchery. Athletes are more interested in slamming steroids and bangin' in the hood. Politicians are exploiting their influence for money and illicit sex. Tough to find a "Person of the Year" amidst the popular icons of today. Granted, there are a few who do some good. But if I knew how to change fonts on here, the word "some" would be in the smallest font available, because the relative good compared to their capability is miniscule. I would love to hear about somebody who makes $1 million a year but gives $950,000 of it to charity, but I haven't. So this year, I am nominating Mike, our mailman, for person of the year. When my kids run into Mike at the grocery store, Mike will stop and talk to them by name, ask them how they're doing, etc etc. Mike makes a difference where he can.

I promise not to get all techie on here, this rant is about customer service - more specifically the lack thereof - when it comes to technical issues such as my new ISfuckinP. It never fails that when you have a good arrangement working, somebody has to come along and fuck things up. For a number of years I was happier than a pack of black squirrels in a dog pound until SuddenPlink took over operations.
Now I hate phones almost as much as Angry Ferret, so initially I made my request via email for them to please look into their configuration and see if they can determine why on earth that last packet of my DCC Sends are getting lost. The response was a form letter assuring me that nothing has changed.
Nothing has Changed? If nothing has changed why do I have a new IP address and my domain name resolves to suddenlink instead of the previous ISP?
So last night I finally made the dreaded call. After wading through 4 levels of phone menu options, I reached a live person - live = had a pulse. I don't remember what this 1st guy's name was, so let's call him Darryl. After 10 minutes with Darryl, I was able to convince him that I didn't need help setting up my email or virus protection. Darryl passed me off to Estelle. Estelle was also very friendly and I was quickly able to convince her that I was not having problems with my browser. Estelle passed me off to Jay. Jay was a piece of work. I suspect Jay bluffed his way into the job and spends his days playing Doom online. No offense Jay, I'm sure you're quite proficient at whatever it is you do, but do you think you could forward me to somebody higher up the tech chain?
I never caught the name of this 4th guy, I don't think he likes talking on the phone and I suspect he was annoyed at my interrupting his efforts to hack into CIA headquarters. His response was that I need to configure my router to block port 40 and if I don't know how to do that myself I should contact the router manufacturer.
I was skeptical of this solution, but god damn at least somebody knows what the fuck a router port is, so what the hell, i'll give it a try.
And of course, it didn't do a damn bit of good. Fuckers.

Insult + Injury = More bad news for Kanye West

As if he wasn't disgraced enough with his tantrum at the MTV Europe Music Awards, Kanye West is being served a second helping of humble pie by Robert "Evel" Knievel in the form of a lawsuit for intellectual property copyright infringement (arrange those last four words in whatever order makes sense to you).
"The guy just went too far using me to promote his filth to the world." says Knievel. "That video that Kanye West put out is the most worthless piece of crap I’ve ever seen in my life..."

As one of the millions who was gathered around the TV that day in 1974 when Knievel took the dive, I was not so impressed with him then. Rocket-powered "motorcycle" goes straight up and then drops straight down the canyon. WTF? Clearly he had no intention of seriously attempting it. But hell, anybody who has broken as many bones as Evel Knievel has, deserves a little respect. And I applaud anybody who can call out these thug-babies.
Kanye, go jump off a cliff...and take Pammy-Sue with you.

couple links to stories:
The Smoking Gun

news story with great quotes

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

are much more romantic than that bag of popcorn that was cremated down the hall. I don't know who you are, I suspect some temp filling in during registration. Congratulations, we now have an excuse on which to blame low enrollment. How in the hell (speaking of ungodly burning smells), did you manage to create such havoc with a microwave bag of popcorn? That is some serious talent, I can see why you are trying to join the workforce, you apparently lack the skills to be a homemaker. Your next career move should be in law enforcement and I will personally vouch for your ability to swiftly evacuate large buildings. McGyver himself could not concoct a tear gas that potent with a simple microwave oven and bag of popcorn.
The entire staff here at this fine institution of higher education congratulates you.
Merry Christmas.

ps I hope you don't plan to string cranberries and popcorn for your christmas tree or I will have to alert the state of Maine.

On The First Day of Christmas...

On the one hand, we have economists giving us gloom-and-doom reports because Christmas spending is down. And on the other hand, we get these amusing 'medical alerts' about shopping addictions. Shopping Addiction: A Serious Problem (12/9/06)

There's an 'addiction' for everything now days, and personally I'm finding this politically correct trend very disturbing. Of course all of these so-called addictions bear the same symptoms; low self-esteem, adrenaline rush, guilt... they even talk about levels of dopamine and seratonin to make this crap sound like a legitimate scientific medical condition. (Web MD article)

"People just can't help themselves..." as if to suggest this is genetic or some kind of mental disorder. Give me a fucking break! it's called self-discipline. I'm pretty sure the guy out there having sex with road-kill displays the same kind of symptoms. People can help themselves. exercise a little self-control people. Stop looking for excuses to shirk your responsibility, or I will be forced to visit your house and set your cat on fire... it's this addiction i have ...

'Tis The Season...to screw the gullible.

If you have noticed a recent surge in email spam, you're not mistaken. A recent news article Spam is back with a vengeance as filters lose effectiveness reported that:

"...unwanted messages now account for 91 percent of all e-mail, and over the past 12 months the daily volume of spam rose by 120 percent"

I've often asked myself, "Why do they do it? Do people really make money of this spam crap?". Sadly the answer is yes. Here are 3 recent stories:
Fraud Alert Friday: Social Security email scam (12/8/06)
Holiday Email Scams (12/8/06)
Manawatu mum, son lose $200k to Nigerian scam (12/7/06)

people are still falling for the Nigerian scam?!

I think it's time for some new laws. We have gun control, we have seatbelt laws (you don't even want to get me started on this issue), it might just be time to require people to get 'computer safety certified' before they're allowed to have a computer. Consider this, not only would it protect idiots from screwing themselves over, but it could also reduce the number of sickos/pedophiles/assorted stalkers from trolling the net. If we made people understand that the Prince of Nigeria is not really that generous, that your dick can not grow 2" by wearing a magic patch, and that Microsoft does not pay you money for every email you send, then maybe, just maybe, we could make make spamming an unprofitable venture.

Sensitivity Training 101

here's a little news gem that has been tucked away in the back pages for the last week.
Iran To Discuss Evidence Of Holocaust

President Ahmadinejad, again showing what an open-minded individual he is, has called for a conference of 'leading experts' to discuss the evidence of whether or not the Holocaust really happened. And in case you doubted his sincerity he added this jewel of a quote.

The proof of Iran's lack of animosity toward Jews, he said, was Iran's 25,000-strong Jewish community.

Right... I think Hitler had a number of those Jewish communities as well.

Not one to be outdone, look for Kim Jong Il to host a panel to discuss evidence of whether we really put men on the moon.

it's all about me(me)...

I normally hate Meme's. I'm even embarrassed to use the word "meme", as it suggests that I know what the hell it means. I just know that this is a meme.

Your Taste in Music:

Classic Rock: High Influence Progressive Rock: High Influence 80's R&B: Low Influence 90's Pop: Low Influence R&B: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Deja Vu all over again

Somalis rally against U.S. peacekeeping plan

There is so much insanity going on in the world right now, it's rather difficult to isolate just one item to rant about. But this item jumped at me because it has garnered such little attention.
A brief synopsis of our current position in world politics:
1.) We currently have several hundred thousand troops in the middle of the fucking Arab desert called Iraq, getting killed while trying to prevent these fucktards from killing each other.
2.) We have a madman in the neighboring country openly developing nuclear weapons so he can wage war on America and Israel - we're doing nothing.
3.) We have another madman in North Korea doing basically the same thing - we're doing nothing.
4.) Cuba is about to go down the shitter as Castro is in his last days - we're doing nothing.
5.) South America is swiftly turning communist, embracing fundamentalist islamic terrorists, and is openly hostile to America - we're doing nothing.
6.) Lebanon is on the verge of civil war as the Hezbollah is preparing to stage a coup with the backing of Syria - we're doing nothing.

by all fucking means, lets go back to Somalia. After all that went so smoothly last time we were there. < /end sarcasm>

I have an eye appointment today. My "annual" eye appointment that I get around to making every 2½ years or so. I hate my eye exams...worse than my 6 month dental checkups where I get to be told how I need to floss more. I want to say, "Look bitch, I'm 44 years old, we both know that changing my dental hygiene habits at this point in time is simply not going to happen, so just save the smarm for your next patient".
My eye exams go like that too. My eyes are pretty f'd up. I wear contacts and I have always pretty much gotten by despite years of sleeping in my disposables. About the time my doc told me i needed to quit was about 6 or 7 years ago, at which point I promptly f'd myself royally in the following manner:
As many of you know, the p0nks are a procreative bunch, and shortly after the birth of p0nk #5, i was tasked with the mission of reviving one of the most important inventions known to parents - the baby swing.
The baby swing is a great invention because it is the only legal way to render a baby unconcious by sloshing his little brain back and forth until he slips into a G-force induced coma. And it is relatively effortless, set the baby in said swing, wind up the heavy duty spring just to the point where you think one more click will cause said swing to explode with the force of a quark explosion and send everyone into orbit. Just give the swing a tap and enjoy 20 minutes of peaceful bliss.
We had loaned this goldmine invention to some friends of lesser fortune, and I soon discovered that they had managed to break something within the magic box otherwise known as the spring mechanism.
Now, I consider myself smarter than the average baby-producer, I had college physics and calculus for xrist' sake, I understand the principles behind a 300 megaton spring. I wasn't going to let something like a simple sticker on this magic box intimidate me into dishing out another small fortune for one of these things.
So throwing all caution to the wind I did in fact attempt to disassemble said unit.
And, I even succeeded... several times in fact. Carefully releasing the last ounce of spring tension before tearing the unit apart, attempting to realign the gear-lock mechanism, re-assemble, windup, test....repeat.
It was halfway through the 3rd disassembly that I suddenly remembered, "Oh shit, i forgot to release the tension. I'm now holding this ticking time bomb in my hands, trying to decide if i should try to put the screws back in it or just heave the thing as far as i can.
Then it happened. Holy Mary Mother of God, I didn't even have time to blink. Son of a bitch blew up in my face so fast i never saw a thing. All I knew was that my left eye suddenly felt somebody had just shot a searing hot poker out of a cannon and straight into my eye. After realizing that I was probably going to live, I felt around my face to get an idea of how disfigured i might look so as I didn't shock anybody that might be responding to my screams.
When I could finally pull my hands away from my face, I tried to open my eye and saw nothing - pitch black. Yes friends, it was time for another visit to the emergency room of our small town hospital where they have an entire wing dedicated to p0nk family medical records.
I'll try to shorten this story up... After a couple months of convalesence, i was able to return and get a new prescription. At first, we all got a good laugh because the blunt force trauma to my eye had flattened the cornea to the point that I was now seeing nearly 20-20. Radial-Keratonomy hillbilly style. Unfortunately, it was not a lasting result, and my eye has now digressed to the point that the internal scar tissue nearly has me blind in that eye. So now every eye exam I get to hear lectures about how to take care of my eyes.
"Thank you Dr French for reminding me what an idiot I am. See you again in 2 years."

Have a good weekend everybody.

Clerics on a Plane

No it's not a sequel, the Boston Globe has reported this gem Muslim clerics urge US Airways boycott
Group says bias caused removal from jetliner.
bias? ok i admit, i don't want to fly with people who intentionally act like terrorists. call that bias if you want, but i learned years ago that there are things you don't do in an airport. You don't joke about bombs, and you don't act like a terrorist. That's just common sense people, i don't care what your skin color is or what your religion is. The constitution grants freedom of speech and freedom of religion, but you don't yell "Fire" in a crowded movie house, and you don't act like a terrorist in a plane. Yeh, i'm biased against assclowns, sue me.

p0nk - tastes like chicken...

...at least according to our hero, Angry Ferret Jones. Little does he know how right he is.
One of the more enlightening things about family get-togethers, like Thanksgiving, is that after the first 10 minutes of dissing each others sports teams, music taste, and politics, we fall into discussing family.
My parents now live in Grass Valley, CA, not too far from the infamous Donner Pass. There has always been some vague oral tradition that we had some family involvement in the historical debacle. Recently, my parents visited the museum commemorating the historical event and the pieces finally fell into place.
What a lot of people don't know about infamous Donner event is that there was another group traveling with them from Missouri to Salt Lake City. The Cyrus family parted ways with them in Salt Lake, leaving several days earlier. As the early storm approached, Pleasant Cyrus, 21yo son of Enoch Cyrus went back to warn the Donner group and push them to speed up. Traveling alone, he was able to catch back up to his family who all arrived safely in the Napa valley. When the storm hit full force and the Donner group was clearly in trouble, the Cyrus men were part of the search party to go out looking for them.
And you probably know most of the story as how to how things went for them.
In the aftermath, John Cyrus, younger brother to Pleasant married one of the survivors, Lavina Graves, and a picture of the two of them is in the museum.
Enoch Cyrus was my great great great great grandfather via one of his other sons, William, making John Cyrus my great great great uncle, and Lavina Graves, a Donner Party survivor, my great great great aunt by marriage.
The significance of this was all lost on the little p0nks of course, and learning that we had Cyrus heritage, I was tasked to find out if my children were related to Miley Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana), daughter of famous country-western singer, Billy Ray Cyrus. As it turns out, Enoch Cyrus' father James Cyrus was brother to Jesse Cyrus, great great great grandfather of said Billy Ray. Little P0nks, especially p0nkette, were estatic to learn that they shared great great great great great (5x great) grandfather with Hannah Montana. I am now a hero in my children's eyes.

p0nk update

survived thanksgiving with the 'old p0nks' but now I've got a nasty cold bug that is determined to take over my entire body. I'm staying home today and i'll be back in bed as soon as i finish reading everybody's posts.

Treasury Dept Just Doesn't Get It

Yes, they're at it again! In their infinite wisdom, the Treasury Dept will make yet another attempt to issue $1 coins. (U.S. mint pushes new $1 coin) The plan is to issue 4 different faces per year until each president shows up on the coin.

"We think Americans are going to want to collect the series, and that will drive the coins through the economy," said U.S. Mint Director Edmund Moy.

I'm guessing Edmund got his Phd from James Madison High University, so Edmund, I only minored in Business Administration but let me explain a few principles I learned in my business classes.
1. Collectors do not circulate coins. Collectors collect coins, that's why they are called collectors.
2. Susan B. Anthony and Sacagewea were not the 1st and 2nd attempts at a $1 coin. In my short lifetime, I witnessed both the Eisenhower dollar and the bicentenial dollar (another hot collector's item). In fact, the US Silver Dollar dates back to 1804. You could put Jenna Jamison on the coin and it will still fail.
3. Changing the shape (Susan B. Anthony) or size or color will, likewise, not improve circulation. The bottom line is: penny, nickle, dime, quarter. It is frustrating enough digging through a pocketful of change and having to distinguish between a penny and a dime. Adding more coins to the mix will only add to the confusion.
4. The unrealistic hope that a $1 coin will go like wildfire as prices in vending machines continue to rise, is only further complicated by adding yet one more variation of the $1 coin. As long as a vending machine takes a paper dollar, manufacturers are not going to bother with coin mechanisms that have to distinguish 4 different $1 coins in addition to all of the other change. If I can accomplish with 4 standard quarters what I could with a $1 coin, I'm going to use the quarters just to be safe.
5. Real men don't carry coin purses. When the Treasury Dept can figure out a clever way to put a $1 coin in my wallet, I'll think about using them.
6. Just as an aside here, what happens in 2020 when we've used up all of the Presidents?

"I don't need change baby, I need folding money" - Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Assclowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right...

I've been running an MP3 Share community on LiveJournal for over a year now. I try to do my part to pass along good music to the computer illiterate who haven't yet figured out how to get everything for free. In the 'rules' for MP3_Rock, i state:

General Rules:
1. This is ROCK. Do not post or request Hilary Duff or your favorite Disney channel stars.

Up until today, it has been pretty good. With 60 subscribed members, posts and requests have always been relevant, although not always my favorites, at least they're on-topic. I was amused this morning, however to find this request:

requests
the smurfs theme song
the smurfs theme song remixed
guys and dolls original broadway cast recording
mary poppins original london cast recording
le stat original broadway cast recording

WTF?! I simply responded to their request with, "good luck with that".

Thank God For Federally Mandated Holidays

Weekend was way too short, so I'm glad this will be a short work week.
Saturday morning I was woken/awakened? much too early by the ambulance/fire crew leaving town (small town here). I remember making a mental note at the time how seldom we hear that in a small town. About 10 minutes later I got a phone call...SHIT!
My soon-to-be 16yo (if he lives another month) spent Friday night with his buddy and their family was heading out early to get firewood. They didn't get very far. On a 2-lane stretch heading out of town, some 17yo assclown in a Nissan Frontier decided to pull a UTurn right in front of them. After slamming into the Frontier, the full-size pickup my son was in went over the embankment. Adrenaline kicks in and JesseP0nk jumps out of the pickup, scrambles up the embankment, ready to tear this kid a new one and his back gives out.
This is not a particularly new experience for JesseP0nk, twice before he has tangled with cars on his bicycle, and quite frankly, too many other hospital visits to recall them all. It's been like a yearly pilgrimage since he was 2. The hospital really should dedicate a new wing in our family's name.
Now I have to commend my son's friend, for being very responsible through the entire ordeal. He was quick to call his insurance and make sure they were on top of any hospital bills, etc. Which brings me to my next point...
Have you ever seen the Progressive commercial where they ask "If we're this helpful when you're buying car insurance, just think how helpful we'll be once you're a customer"? Without getting into the logic fallacies of that inference, I will simply share just how helpful they were. I called the number, ready to give the claim number and all of the hospital information for my son. And after 30 minutes of waiting on hold, I finally gave up. And by "waiting on hold", I mean 5 minutes of holding the phone to my ear, and then 25 minutes with the phone on speaker-phone so the entire house could ring with the merry holiday tunes of elevator music and a voice saying, "Your call is very important to us, please hold until our next available service representative can take your call", cycling through every 30 seconds.

Ah the joys of having teenage sons. It's going to be a long thanksgiving break listening to a 16yo boy rant about assclown drivers, watching cheesey Christmas movies on TV, and trying to avoid getting caught up in discussions with my conspiracy theorist brother.

Death to Extremists

It was the Fall of 1980 when I saw this slogan graffiti'd on a walkway at Humboldt State University where I was a new freshman. Being truly on my own for the first time, and finally exposed to some new thought, I laughed pretty hard at the irony.
Sadly, there are so many people today lost in the rhetoric of Secular Progressivism (thanks to DMarie for the heads up on this new label), that they can't see how irrational some of their ideas are.
Elton John recently came up with a winner recently when he was quoted "I would ban religion completely...Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."(story here)
Yes, Sir Elton, let's ban religion for not being more tolerant.
I'd really like to know what religion turned Sir Elton the John into a 'hateful lemming' when he told photographers at the Cannes Film Festival back in May "You should all be shot."
Damn all you hateful people!

OJ Still Innocent

Apparently strapped for cash and still trying to convince himself that he really didn't do it, OJ hits up Fox news for an interview to promote his new book, If I Did It.
O.J. Simpson to promote "If I Did It" on Fox

Hell, I'm convinced already.

pussyfooting (cont...)

"This will be known as the year macho politics failed — mainly because it was macho politics by marshmallow men."

That kind of feisty rhetoric from the Queen of Spin, puts her on par with her hero, Hillary "The Rod" Clinton, whom she claims has bigger balls than the men in politics, and Maureen Dowd, the author of Bushworld and Are Men Necessary? (why do these titles seem redundant?) should know.
Maureen, I have a suggestion. If you liberals would stop emasculating your own men, maybe they would have the balls to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. The answer to your party is not to promote the conniving crook who can slay straw men with her deft double-speak, but to get behind somebody honest, somebody not steeped in political agenda bullshit, somebody quite unlike yourself.. America would love to see it.

pussyfooting

Iran questioned on fuel traces found at waste plant

Does anybody with an IQ over 50 honestly believe that Iran is not working towards nuclear weapons? And if I remember correctly, W (pronounced dub-ya) had given Iran until the 1st week of August (yes, that's last August) to cease and desist any further development or face serious consequences. Iran was able to beg off until August 29.
So here we are, mid-November...apparently that threat was meaningless. I am so absofuckinglutely sick of all the crap going on in the mid-east. I say, give Israel the green light and the rest of us can sit back in relative security (certainly more than we've had since making Israel our poster child for democracy in the East). Let these people bomb each other back to the stone-age, just get the whole show over with.
Oh and while we're at it, Israel, North Korea hates Jews.

Is It Really Going To Happen?

I suspect they have left out the part where he devours her flesh before fleeing the planet on the mothership, but this is supposedly an excerpt from

The Double Ring Wedding Ceremony
from The Background, Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion (pages 88-99)


Friends:
We are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses for the purpose of legally joining in marriage this man and this woman, (names of bride and groom).

If there be any among you who know of any reason why this should not be done, let them now speak, or forever remain silent.

(Pause)

All being in accord, we shall proceed.

(Groom's name), is your reality of the love you have for (bride's name) such as you will be constantly creating through health and sickness; through adversity as well as good fortune?

Can you confront and grant forgiveness for shortcomings as readily as you give praise for all her many admirable qualities?

(Answer)

And have you communicated your love to (bride's name)?

(Answer)

(Bride's name), have you acknowledged (groom's) love?

(Answer)

(Bride's name), is your reality of the love you have for (groom's name) such as you will be constantly creating through health and sickness; through adversity as well as good fortune?

Can you confront and grant forgiveness for shortcomings as readily as you give praise for all his many sterling qualities?

(Answer)

And have you communicated your love to (groom's name)?

(Answer)

(Groom's name), have you acknowledged (bride's) love?

(Answer)

Then may I say to you both that through your love together with your agreement upon its reality, and by your communication of these two beautiful truths, you have completed the ARC triangle, and thereby consummated the only true marriage, which is beyond the power of any individual or group of individuals to add to or detract from
in the slightest manner.

However, the law and custom of our society requires that this union shall be made a matter of public acclaim and record. It is my honor to have been selected by you to perform the ceremony.

The acceptance of an honor carries with it an obligation of comparable magnitude, and I would be remiss in that responsibility if I failed to attempt a contribution, not to have you have already created, which no one can do,
but to the permanency of its continued creation on your future time track.

Man has ever employed symbols to impress upon the mind, wise and important truths, that these symbols might prove
an ever-present reminder of the necessity of ceaseless creation of our desires.

And I am certain that your one joint desire in present time is that the love you have created shall remain a reality throughout your future years.

Best man, have you a ring?
(Answer)

May I have it please?
(Receives the ring.)

Thank you.


(Holding up a ring between the thumb and forefinger of each hand:)

These rings consist of circles, and the circle has been an emblem of permanency to man since time immemorial. In fact, it represents time and space-- which are without ending. I want you to look upon these two emblems and mock up the ARC triangle in the center of each.

Have you done it?
(Answer)

Thank you.

As long as these emblems remain with you, I want you to see that triangle in their center as a reminder that the reality of their symbolism of permanency will hold true only so long as that triangle remains unbroken.

I should like to see you make a pact between you that you will never close your eyes in sleep on a broken triangle. Heal any breach with the reality of your love through communication. If you will do this, these emblems
of your greatest desire in present time will remain a reality throughout your future time track.

Let us proceed.

(Groom's name) will you take this ring and with these words, place it upon (bride's name)'s finger.

"With this symbol of my love"

(Answer)

"I take thee, (bride's name),"

(Answer)

"As my true and lawful wedded wife"

(Answer)

"I pledge thee to keep this love"

(Answer)

"Ever living, ever real."

(Answer)

(Bride's name), will you take this ring and with these words, place it upon (groom's name)'s finger.

"With this symbol of my love"

(Answer)

"I take thee, (groom's name),"

(Answer)

"As my true and lawful wedded husband"

(Answer)

"I pledge thee to keep this love"

(Answer)

"Ever living, ever real."

(Answer)

And now, in the name of the Church of Scientology and by virtue of the powers vested in me by the state, I declare you (groom's name), and you, (bride's name), to be truly and legally, husband and wife.

I will ask that you seal this ceremony with your lips.

(Wait for the kiss)

And I will ask these witnesses present to join me in blessing this ceremony with the postulate that the trust and love of the present shall become ever stronger with each passing year.

(Pause)

Did you do it?

(Answer)

Thank you.

(Be the first to congratulate them both, and the first to address the bride as Mrs.)

Top Christmas Gifts for 2006

Screw a Cheerleader, Screw the World

ah, football! America's favorite pasttime. I played football growing up on into high school. One year I knew the name and number of every player in the AFC. Relatively simple in concept, but somehow it became like WWE wrestling where score and solid play took a back seat to cheap shots, trash talking, and sophomoric celebration antics.
I watched the first part of the Bears/Giants game last night and was amused to learn of a new rule instituted into the league when a Giants halfback squirted across the endzone for a touchdown and promptly stuffed the ball up his shirt, allegedly as a tribute to his pregnant wife. The Giants were immediately slammed with a 15 yard "Unsportsmanlike Conduct - using the ball as a prop" penalty. Using the ball as a prop? wtf?!

Among the 15 new rule proposals passed yesterday by the league's 32 clubs was the banishment of ''prolonged or excessive celebrations" as well as celebrating while a player is on the ground. This is an attempt to forestall the antics of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens, and Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, all of whom have used what were called ''props" by Competition Committee co-chairman Jeff Fisher. Props, among other things, are now banned and will result in a 15-yard penalty. In addition, any dance deemed too long by game officials will result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after a warning.

I'm sorry but this is just silly. I'm going to suggest to the NFL commissioner that before any player does a celebration, they must complete 30 hours of dance lessons and acting lessons. Upon completion, the player may trademark their celebration. Extra points may be awarded by a panel of style judges.
No thanks, i'm going to stick to baseball.

To Xanga or not to Xanga

Xrist, it seems i've been on the internet forever. I remember when Mosaic web browser was the coolest thing since sliced bread and Yahoo was a single page of links to cool sites, about half of which were broken links to porn.
MailServers became a popular way for people of like interests to communicate and I even ran one of my own for a while on religion.
About 8 years ago I stumbled onto IRC as an excellent supplier for my MP3 collection (now over 23,000 songs), IRC led to "chat" and I really starting making some internet 'friends'.
In January of 2003, my IRC friends got me started blogging on LiveJournal, but there weren't that many of us and we didn't have that much in common so we all went our separate ways. I started hanging out in Yahoo game rooms and got to know a few people and we all started blogging in Yahoo 360 which is a piece of shit for a blogsite.
I had been reading 'the Fish' for about a year and enjoyed the comments of the regulars as much as the stories, so I recently started blogging here just to keep in touch with you all. I haven't experienced the problems some of you have, although there are some obvious issues.
I created a Xanga account so i can comment. Maybe I'll move my blogging efforts over there - i definitely don't like trying to maintain multiple blogsites.

Oh Baby!

CockNinja, I don't know you, but somehow this picture just screams your name.

Doogie was 'Lanced'(?)

Lehmkuhl says Harris was `lanced'

Normally if i was to hear of a celebrity being 'lanced', I have nightmarish visions of Pete Doherty standing over them with a hypodermic needle. The real question this whole story begs is... "If a d-list celeb was 'outed' in a forest, would anybody care?"
NPHLTC

This Week's Darwin Award Winner

Ky. officer shoots himself while driving

This 10 yr veteran has had extensive firearms training, do not try this at home.
I'm not even going to try to figure out why a Kentucky police officer was in Indiana when he pulled this off.

Defamatory but not Libelous

L.A. judge dismisses Britney Spears' libel suit

More celebrity home video porn tapes. Apparently Us magazine leaked the story of its existence. Brit tried to sue. The judge ruled that since Britney profits from her public expressions of sexuality this could hardly be considered defamatory.
I disagree, bumping uglies with K-Earl is defamatory no matter who you are. Anyway, read the story and see why 2 half-wits do not make one whole wit.

The Lunatic Fringe

Granted, this is funny. Granted, Cheney is a dangerous man, politically as well as personally.
But perhaps even more dangerous is the thought that left-wing rhetoric like this can influence voters. How in the hell does Cheney's hunting accident justify legalizing marijuana?
I will grant that an argument can be made that marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol. I'm not entirely opposed to legalizing marijuana - I live in Humboldt Co, California where ganja is the leading industry. Quite honestly, I don't see much difference between the two 'drugs'.
What I object to, is the illogical rhetoric used by the left-wingers to stir up emotion, to influence people to make knee-jerk decisions based on emotion rather than facts and logic. And the 'logic' behind this ad is since bad things can happen when using legal drugs, we might as well legalize other drugs as well.
Using the same argument, we should legalize hand grenades, after all they are as potentially dangerous as a shotgun. Old people can also be dangerous, especially armed with weapons and alcohol therefore I propose we allow children to have access to weapons and alcohol too.
So this election I'm voting for children to have access to automatic weapons and marijuana. Why should Cheney have all the fun?

Shocked?!... hardly

Evangelical leader quits amid male escort's allegations

Adding his name to the "Wall of Shame", Ted "Art" Haggard stepped down from his position as Sr. Pastor at his mega-church and as President of the US National Association of Evangelicals.

While according to 'the Haggard One', "I've never had a gay relationship with anybody. I'm steady with my wife. I'm faithful to my wife."

But now church officials are saying "There has been some admission of indiscretion"

Well Art, if it walks like a duck... you know the rest. If you hurry now, you can still make your tee time with Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert, and Oral "Ivory Tower" Roberts (probably not a good first name to have these days btw). And with all your clout you can probably play through that group of Catholic priests ahead of you.
I don't know how the rest of this joke is going to play out but i'm pretty sure you all end up in Hell.

Who Didn't See This Coming?

Man gets 60 days for lewd photos on cars

WAUKESHA, Wis. - A Hartford man has been ordered to serve 60 days in jail and placed on two years' probation for putting photographs of his genitalia on cars driven by women in Menomonee Falls.

I'd bet even money that this guy started out by emailing these pics to every woman on the net. Go into any internet forum and you'll likely find twisted guys that think it is perfectly normal to ask if any women would like to watch him masturbate on camera. Sometimes I ask them if they use that same line when hitting on women at the supermarket. Now I'm really hoping this guy isn't somebody that took my suggestion seriously.

Time to get tough on crime!

Teen shot by police stun gun dies

JERSEYVILLE, Ill. - A teenager carrying a Bible and shouting "I want Jesus" was shot twice with a police stun gun and later died at a St. Louis hospital, authorities said.

instead of electrocuting the kid, hell, why not just call in SWAT to take him out. Little shit was probably out campaigning for Pat Robertson or something.

Brad Pitt might be a decent human being

Brad Pitt joins Jimmy Carter building Indian homes

Wow! i'm completely speechless on this one. Unless this is the lamest PR stunt on record, I might have to take back everything bad I've ever said about this guy.
(but I wonder if he can swing a hammer while sporting a monster wedgie)

Asshole of the Week

This award almost went Kim Jong Il and I had the story all written up when I ran across this pic on the fish. I'm a little pissed because I was thinking the ideal costume for halloween would be dressing up as 'Bill Maher being an asshole', but Bill Maher, being Bill Maher, clearly has me beat.
There has been some debate since this pic surfaced about the tactfulness of this stunt. My opinion, FWIW, goes like this...
Since the beginning of time, we have always found humor in ironic tragedy. Shakespeare's King Lear is a riot. Paris Hilton having herpes - hilarious! There is a sense of yin-yang/justice/karma when people of undeserving fortune run into misfortune. It gives the rest of us a sense of fair play. However, when talentless but famous people (ie. Bill Maher) make fun of those who have earned their stripes, that's not funny.
If the Special Ed student pranks the high school jock, that's funny. If the jock pulled the same prank on the special ed kid, that's tasteless.

So Bill Maher, in the name of Steve Irwin, I curse you. May you spend your remaining days on earth being plagued by the nightmares of 1,000 angry crocodiles.

Natalie Portman Is A Badass

In case you missed this on SNL...

The 'Sooner' State?

Oklahoma Legalizes Tattooing

The possibilities of jokes with this are endless, so I'll just say thank God we are done with back alley tattoos in Oklahoma.

Snoop Dogg Arrested

Snoop Dogg arrested at SoCal airport

When officers searched the vehicle they found a gun and marijuana, police said.
"There was no basis for this arrest," the rapper's attorney, Donald Etra, said in a statement.

No basis?
This is why I never get selected for jury duty. Sure, I get summoned constantly, but I never get selected. You see, there's this questionaire that perspective jurors have to fill out and one of the questions goes something like this, "Do you have confidence in our judicial system?"
Putting aside the OJ Simpsons, Robert Blakes, Michael Jacksons, (et al), trials that have been farcical(sp?), the answer is still "no, i do not have confidence in our judicial system." Despite the adjective "judicial", our current system has strayed far from the model of "justice".
True justice would mean that if somebody is guilty, they should be punished accordingly. Evidence obtained illegally should be dealt with as a separate offense. Juries should be comprised of people who can reason (which, sadly, is usually contrary to the whole "jury by peers" concept). Unfortunately, smart people know how to get out of jury duty, which leaves only the disgruntled and moronic 'peers' to decide the outcome of the case.

"We believe that once this is cleared up, all charges will be dismissed."

yep, he's probably right about that.

If You Can't Speak English Do Not Work The Drive-Thru Window

Yeh I know this old, but sometimes I feel like this guy.
Yesterday, I went to KFC drive-thru for lunch. Thought maybe i'd try those $1 Chicken Snackers w/ Cheese. Now I try to be open-minded, I've even learned how to order from the McD's menu in Spanish. But this is KF'nC for xrist sake! and I don't speak Hindi (unless I'm trying to reserve a room at Motel 6).
Ok so he doesn't have the Snackers w/ cheese. Can I pay extra and get cheese on them? You don't have ANY cheese? OK, fine just give me two snackers and a large diet coke.
$4.73...?! Either this guy isn't playing by the KFC rules or Diet Coke got really expensive. Fine, i'm hungry and I can afford $5. So I give five $1 bills and three pennies from my ashtray because I hate collecting more pennies. He hands me my food and a quarter. I hold the quarter in my hand and stare at him for a second...nah, it's not worth it. A thousand racial epithets could have been hurled but he would probably just ask if I wanted cheese with that.