Public Restroom Question #38:

I'm generally in favor of dental hygiene, but when I stumble across things like this, it actually makes me a little queasy. I'm not microphobic, but let's face some facts - there is some nasty nasty business that takes place in public restrooms, by some nasty nasty people, that have no qualms about leaving their nastiness behind for others. So much nastiness that it can easily permeate the entire restroom even after the more scrupulous visitors. I, therefore, keep my visits seldom, short, and with minimal contact. I would not walk barefoot or take food into a public restroom. Brushing your teeth in there just seems counter-productive if you ask me.

ps. i thought it would be interesting to use only pre-existing tags for this post.

Least Favorite Things in Life

I really hate going to the dentist. I mean I really hate it. And not because it's particularly painful, or that it's ever really bad news. Hell, with my insurance, it's not even expensive.
So what is the problem? I've been blessed with very good teeth. I've had one cavity in my life, and never needed braces. My wisdom teeth never came in, so i've only had one tooth pulled. But damn those dentists and hygenists piss me off with their condescending talk. I end up switching dentists every several years simply because they piss me off.
The last time I switched dentists was because of an episode where we discussed flossing. The bitch was shredding my gums and ragging like a mother about how I needed to floss more often. Right lady, i will make flossing twice a day a high priority in my life. She has me in the torture chair administering her gum-slicing wire torture when she stopped and asked me to demonstrate how I normally floss. I responded that I don't normally do it while standing on my head. Maybe my gums don't bleed so much when I do it because i'm not suspended upside down for five minutes while trying to floss...f0ckers.
I received a bill in the mail this past week because I missed my dentist appt. Excuse me, I go twice a year, and I suppose since a trip to the dentist is as much fun as Christmas I ought to remember my appt. But I didn't. And, OK, I can understand it's a pain in the ass when people don't show up for their appts. But $40! Holy Fuck, that's a lot of money for doing nothing. It's not like there was an hour when suddenly there was nothing to do in the office. They ought to be paying me for surrendering my reservation to the next poor sap that's been waiting an hour. It's not like the focker is going to get his motor home repossessed, jeeeezuz.
I think if a doctor or dentist is going to charge for missed visits then they should reimburse at the same rate for the extra time you wait in the waiting room past your appt.

Santa Outlives God

This has to be one of the most twisted ironies of the Political Correctness movement.
Story here->UK teacher tells kids truth about Santa

Teacher catches hell for telling 10yo kids that Santa isn't real? As one parent said...

"What gives the school the right to decide when children should know the truth about such a harmless matter when knowing the truth does take away that little bit of magic?"

Seems to me these same people are pretty adamant that schools teach the 'truth' about evolution. So what happens if Johnny wants to believe that Christmas is about baby Jesus? Magical Santas are OK, but Jesus is not? Smurfs, Barney, Teletubbies, cocaine, & illicit, unprotected sex is all going to be part of my magical world and no damn school is allowed to teach otherwise.
No wonder the youth of today are so f'd up.

I promise not to get all techie on here, this rant is about customer service - more specifically the lack thereof - when it comes to technical issues such as my new ISfuckinP. It never fails that when you have a good arrangement working, somebody has to come along and fuck things up. For a number of years I was happier than a pack of black squirrels in a dog pound until SuddenPlink took over operations.
Now I hate phones almost as much as Angry Ferret, so initially I made my request via email for them to please look into their configuration and see if they can determine why on earth that last packet of my DCC Sends are getting lost. The response was a form letter assuring me that nothing has changed.
Nothing has Changed? If nothing has changed why do I have a new IP address and my domain name resolves to suddenlink instead of the previous ISP?
So last night I finally made the dreaded call. After wading through 4 levels of phone menu options, I reached a live person - live = had a pulse. I don't remember what this 1st guy's name was, so let's call him Darryl. After 10 minutes with Darryl, I was able to convince him that I didn't need help setting up my email or virus protection. Darryl passed me off to Estelle. Estelle was also very friendly and I was quickly able to convince her that I was not having problems with my browser. Estelle passed me off to Jay. Jay was a piece of work. I suspect Jay bluffed his way into the job and spends his days playing Doom online. No offense Jay, I'm sure you're quite proficient at whatever it is you do, but do you think you could forward me to somebody higher up the tech chain?
I never caught the name of this 4th guy, I don't think he likes talking on the phone and I suspect he was annoyed at my interrupting his efforts to hack into CIA headquarters. His response was that I need to configure my router to block port 40 and if I don't know how to do that myself I should contact the router manufacturer.
I was skeptical of this solution, but god damn at least somebody knows what the fuck a router port is, so what the hell, i'll give it a try.
And of course, it didn't do a damn bit of good. Fuckers.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

are much more romantic than that bag of popcorn that was cremated down the hall. I don't know who you are, I suspect some temp filling in during registration. Congratulations, we now have an excuse on which to blame low enrollment. How in the hell (speaking of ungodly burning smells), did you manage to create such havoc with a microwave bag of popcorn? That is some serious talent, I can see why you are trying to join the workforce, you apparently lack the skills to be a homemaker. Your next career move should be in law enforcement and I will personally vouch for your ability to swiftly evacuate large buildings. McGyver himself could not concoct a tear gas that potent with a simple microwave oven and bag of popcorn.
The entire staff here at this fine institution of higher education congratulates you.
Merry Christmas.

ps I hope you don't plan to string cranberries and popcorn for your christmas tree or I will have to alert the state of Maine.

'Tis The Season...to screw the gullible.

If you have noticed a recent surge in email spam, you're not mistaken. A recent news article Spam is back with a vengeance as filters lose effectiveness reported that:

"...unwanted messages now account for 91 percent of all e-mail, and over the past 12 months the daily volume of spam rose by 120 percent"

I've often asked myself, "Why do they do it? Do people really make money of this spam crap?". Sadly the answer is yes. Here are 3 recent stories:
Fraud Alert Friday: Social Security email scam (12/8/06)
Holiday Email Scams (12/8/06)
Manawatu mum, son lose $200k to Nigerian scam (12/7/06)

people are still falling for the Nigerian scam?!

I think it's time for some new laws. We have gun control, we have seatbelt laws (you don't even want to get me started on this issue), it might just be time to require people to get 'computer safety certified' before they're allowed to have a computer. Consider this, not only would it protect idiots from screwing themselves over, but it could also reduce the number of sickos/pedophiles/assorted stalkers from trolling the net. If we made people understand that the Prince of Nigeria is not really that generous, that your dick can not grow 2" by wearing a magic patch, and that Microsoft does not pay you money for every email you send, then maybe, just maybe, we could make make spamming an unprofitable venture.

Sensitivity Training 101

here's a little news gem that has been tucked away in the back pages for the last week.
Iran To Discuss Evidence Of Holocaust

President Ahmadinejad, again showing what an open-minded individual he is, has called for a conference of 'leading experts' to discuss the evidence of whether or not the Holocaust really happened. And in case you doubted his sincerity he added this jewel of a quote.

The proof of Iran's lack of animosity toward Jews, he said, was Iran's 25,000-strong Jewish community.

Right... I think Hitler had a number of those Jewish communities as well.

Not one to be outdone, look for Kim Jong Il to host a panel to discuss evidence of whether we really put men on the moon.

Deja Vu all over again

Somalis rally against U.S. peacekeeping plan

There is so much insanity going on in the world right now, it's rather difficult to isolate just one item to rant about. But this item jumped at me because it has garnered such little attention.
A brief synopsis of our current position in world politics:
1.) We currently have several hundred thousand troops in the middle of the fucking Arab desert called Iraq, getting killed while trying to prevent these fucktards from killing each other.
2.) We have a madman in the neighboring country openly developing nuclear weapons so he can wage war on America and Israel - we're doing nothing.
3.) We have another madman in North Korea doing basically the same thing - we're doing nothing.
4.) Cuba is about to go down the shitter as Castro is in his last days - we're doing nothing.
5.) South America is swiftly turning communist, embracing fundamentalist islamic terrorists, and is openly hostile to America - we're doing nothing.
6.) Lebanon is on the verge of civil war as the Hezbollah is preparing to stage a coup with the backing of Syria - we're doing nothing.

by all fucking means, lets go back to Somalia. After all that went so smoothly last time we were there. < /end sarcasm>

Clerics on a Plane

No it's not a sequel, the Boston Globe has reported this gem Muslim clerics urge US Airways boycott
Group says bias caused removal from jetliner.
bias? ok i admit, i don't want to fly with people who intentionally act like terrorists. call that bias if you want, but i learned years ago that there are things you don't do in an airport. You don't joke about bombs, and you don't act like a terrorist. That's just common sense people, i don't care what your skin color is or what your religion is. The constitution grants freedom of speech and freedom of religion, but you don't yell "Fire" in a crowded movie house, and you don't act like a terrorist in a plane. Yeh, i'm biased against assclowns, sue me.

Death to Extremists

It was the Fall of 1980 when I saw this slogan graffiti'd on a walkway at Humboldt State University where I was a new freshman. Being truly on my own for the first time, and finally exposed to some new thought, I laughed pretty hard at the irony.
Sadly, there are so many people today lost in the rhetoric of Secular Progressivism (thanks to DMarie for the heads up on this new label), that they can't see how irrational some of their ideas are.
Elton John recently came up with a winner recently when he was quoted "I would ban religion completely...Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."(story here)
Yes, Sir Elton, let's ban religion for not being more tolerant.
I'd really like to know what religion turned Sir Elton the John into a 'hateful lemming' when he told photographers at the Cannes Film Festival back in May "You should all be shot."
Damn all you hateful people!

OJ Still Innocent

Apparently strapped for cash and still trying to convince himself that he really didn't do it, OJ hits up Fox news for an interview to promote his new book, If I Did It.
O.J. Simpson to promote "If I Did It" on Fox

Hell, I'm convinced already.

pussyfooting (cont...)

"This will be known as the year macho politics failed — mainly because it was macho politics by marshmallow men."

That kind of feisty rhetoric from the Queen of Spin, puts her on par with her hero, Hillary "The Rod" Clinton, whom she claims has bigger balls than the men in politics, and Maureen Dowd, the author of Bushworld and Are Men Necessary? (why do these titles seem redundant?) should know.
Maureen, I have a suggestion. If you liberals would stop emasculating your own men, maybe they would have the balls to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. The answer to your party is not to promote the conniving crook who can slay straw men with her deft double-speak, but to get behind somebody honest, somebody not steeped in political agenda bullshit, somebody quite unlike yourself.. America would love to see it.

pussyfooting

Iran questioned on fuel traces found at waste plant

Does anybody with an IQ over 50 honestly believe that Iran is not working towards nuclear weapons? And if I remember correctly, W (pronounced dub-ya) had given Iran until the 1st week of August (yes, that's last August) to cease and desist any further development or face serious consequences. Iran was able to beg off until August 29.
So here we are, mid-November...apparently that threat was meaningless. I am so absofuckinglutely sick of all the crap going on in the mid-east. I say, give Israel the green light and the rest of us can sit back in relative security (certainly more than we've had since making Israel our poster child for democracy in the East). Let these people bomb each other back to the stone-age, just get the whole show over with.
Oh and while we're at it, Israel, North Korea hates Jews.

The Lunatic Fringe

Granted, this is funny. Granted, Cheney is a dangerous man, politically as well as personally.
But perhaps even more dangerous is the thought that left-wing rhetoric like this can influence voters. How in the hell does Cheney's hunting accident justify legalizing marijuana?
I will grant that an argument can be made that marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol. I'm not entirely opposed to legalizing marijuana - I live in Humboldt Co, California where ganja is the leading industry. Quite honestly, I don't see much difference between the two 'drugs'.
What I object to, is the illogical rhetoric used by the left-wingers to stir up emotion, to influence people to make knee-jerk decisions based on emotion rather than facts and logic. And the 'logic' behind this ad is since bad things can happen when using legal drugs, we might as well legalize other drugs as well.
Using the same argument, we should legalize hand grenades, after all they are as potentially dangerous as a shotgun. Old people can also be dangerous, especially armed with weapons and alcohol therefore I propose we allow children to have access to weapons and alcohol too.
So this election I'm voting for children to have access to automatic weapons and marijuana. Why should Cheney have all the fun?

Shocked?!... hardly

Evangelical leader quits amid male escort's allegations

Adding his name to the "Wall of Shame", Ted "Art" Haggard stepped down from his position as Sr. Pastor at his mega-church and as President of the US National Association of Evangelicals.

While according to 'the Haggard One', "I've never had a gay relationship with anybody. I'm steady with my wife. I'm faithful to my wife."

But now church officials are saying "There has been some admission of indiscretion"

Well Art, if it walks like a duck... you know the rest. If you hurry now, you can still make your tee time with Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert, and Oral "Ivory Tower" Roberts (probably not a good first name to have these days btw). And with all your clout you can probably play through that group of Catholic priests ahead of you.
I don't know how the rest of this joke is going to play out but i'm pretty sure you all end up in Hell.

Who Didn't See This Coming?

Man gets 60 days for lewd photos on cars

WAUKESHA, Wis. - A Hartford man has been ordered to serve 60 days in jail and placed on two years' probation for putting photographs of his genitalia on cars driven by women in Menomonee Falls.

I'd bet even money that this guy started out by emailing these pics to every woman on the net. Go into any internet forum and you'll likely find twisted guys that think it is perfectly normal to ask if any women would like to watch him masturbate on camera. Sometimes I ask them if they use that same line when hitting on women at the supermarket. Now I'm really hoping this guy isn't somebody that took my suggestion seriously.

Time to get tough on crime!

Teen shot by police stun gun dies

JERSEYVILLE, Ill. - A teenager carrying a Bible and shouting "I want Jesus" was shot twice with a police stun gun and later died at a St. Louis hospital, authorities said.

instead of electrocuting the kid, hell, why not just call in SWAT to take him out. Little shit was probably out campaigning for Pat Robertson or something.

Asshole of the Week

This award almost went Kim Jong Il and I had the story all written up when I ran across this pic on the fish. I'm a little pissed because I was thinking the ideal costume for halloween would be dressing up as 'Bill Maher being an asshole', but Bill Maher, being Bill Maher, clearly has me beat.
There has been some debate since this pic surfaced about the tactfulness of this stunt. My opinion, FWIW, goes like this...
Since the beginning of time, we have always found humor in ironic tragedy. Shakespeare's King Lear is a riot. Paris Hilton having herpes - hilarious! There is a sense of yin-yang/justice/karma when people of undeserving fortune run into misfortune. It gives the rest of us a sense of fair play. However, when talentless but famous people (ie. Bill Maher) make fun of those who have earned their stripes, that's not funny.
If the Special Ed student pranks the high school jock, that's funny. If the jock pulled the same prank on the special ed kid, that's tasteless.

So Bill Maher, in the name of Steve Irwin, I curse you. May you spend your remaining days on earth being plagued by the nightmares of 1,000 angry crocodiles.

Natalie Portman Is A Badass

In case you missed this on SNL...

The 'Sooner' State?

Oklahoma Legalizes Tattooing

The possibilities of jokes with this are endless, so I'll just say thank God we are done with back alley tattoos in Oklahoma.